The Truth about the Cat and the Dog
by Maskgirl
Summary: An illicit love affair has all of Mainframe rocking with laughter


The Truth About the Cat and the Dog  
An illicit love affair has all of Mainframe shaking...with laughter  
Rated PG for very silly references to sex.  
  
Skuzzy trembled in fear from her hiding place. Since Bob had deframented her mistress's head, Hexadecimal had been nothing but kind and undemanding. Lately, however that look in her eyes had been coming and Skuzzy knew Hex was planning to do that terrible something again. So the ball-like catsprite hid in her favorite hiding place one that Hexadecimal never found.  
"Skuzzy," her mistress called sweetly. "Bath time"  
The familiar kept stock-still. Her mistress was bound to get bored, but that was not so. The virus's dementia had been cured along with here mood swings, cursors! The virus floated, thoroughly searching the sparse room before finally coming to the chair under which the cat hid.  
"There you are," she said as she gently picked up her pet. Hex then proceeded to float to an ornate bathtub filled with soapy water.  
As soon as Skuzzy's tail touched the water, she fought back, biting her mistress again and again knocking the virus into the water.  
Hexadecimal shrieked with rage, "You've ruined my best outfit, my only outfit!"  
Skuzzy heard a whooshing sound and found herself in a pet carrier.  
Hex spoke in the calmest voice Skuzzy ever heard, "Since you won't let me bathe you, I'll take to someone who can"  
AndraIa was busy stocking up supplies for her new business when Hexadecimal teleported in. Not listening to what the virus was saying the gamesprite picked up the nearest thing to use as a weapon, which happened to be crimping irons.  
Hex was not impressed, "Do you know how stupid you look?"  
"Not as stupid as you. Decided to go for the grunge look have we?"  
"As I was saying... I want you to bathe Skuzzy here. I have tried to do it myself but she was being difficult. Your new pet salon seemed appropriate."  
Dre gasped as a pile of gold ingots appeared on her table. The gamesprite tried to protest that it was too much but Hex would have none of it.  
"Believe me you'll earn every credit. I'm going shopping."  
As soon as the virus was gone, AndraIa cooed softly and gently let Skuzzy out of the cage. Big mistake, the result was chaos as Skuzzy launched herself at the gamesprite.  
Hexadecimal was halfway through Baudway and 10000 Mainframe dollars poorer, when the infection started to set in. She felt hot and dizzy, like when Bob was around but not so nice. Her reflection in a pane of glass caught her eye. Her facemask was flushed, she was sweating and yellow veins of energy pulsed on her forehead.  
"Sick definitely sick," she thought. "Spammed cat!"  
She tried to teleport but couldn't and flying was out of the question. No choice but to walk to the infirmary at the Principal's office.  
Meanwhile in front of the Principal's office, Bob, Dot and Phong were holding a press conference to assure the frightened citizens of Mainframe.  
Bob did his best to calm the crowd, "And I assure you that the rumors are false. Daemon has not infected Mainframe, she has not been infecting people. We have-"  
"Oh dear," said Phong as Hexadecimal appeared into view.  
The crowd panicked at the site of the sick virus and scattered like a flock of nulls from a gamecube, except for Mike the TV.  
" There you have it folks Daemon has beat up and infected Hexadecimal. Hex   
how did Daemon beat you up? Did she win? Where is she? Who's next? And can"  
The Virus's eyes glowed red as she knocked Mike senseless with a right hook.  
Bob looked down at Hex's dark form in her hospital bed. Lying there, without her armor on she never looked so vulnerable. That was something that Hex would never allow. He could see the many scars she had and the metal framework that pierced her black limbs. She had lived a hard life and any resentment he had over the crimes she had committed disappeared. It was a pity that the rest of Mainframe didn't feel the same way.  
The guardian shook the virus awake. For just a little a while she seemed like a normal sprite. Then she noticed that she was handcuffed to the bed.  
"Why Bob, do you want to play Doctor?" she said in a husky voice.  
Bob gently pushed her down, "No Hex, you were attacked by something, got yourself a type I infection, puked all over the place. Do you remember what happened?"  
"Yes I tried to bathe Skuzzy, she bit me."  
Dot appeared out of the corner and laughed scornfully "Wash your black cat?! How basic can you get! Why?"  
"Because Skuzzy isn't black! I don't call her Skuzzy for nothing. Can I go now?"  
"Not so fast!" ordered Dot. "You frightened a lot of people, you hit Mike and you broke your promise to Bob that you'd behave. Besides you have to stay overnight for observation."  
"Number one since when is asking for help wrong? Number two wouldn't hitting Mike be a good idea?"  
"She's got a point there," said Bob.  
And so Hex got the handcuffs removed. Later that night AndraIa delivered a very clean white fluffy cat to Hexadecimal. The gamesprite was covered in sticking plasters as she gave the benign virus a dirty look.  
"Well don't look at me that way! You have paralyzing venom in your nails!" said Hex defensively.  
The woman left Hex to play with her Skuzzy muttering about smart ASCII viruses.  
Hex played with her cat for awhile, fed Skuzzy her hospital meal and then fell asleep. Later that night Skuzzy sneaked out of Hex's arms and proceeded to explore the Principal's office igniting the silliest incident to grace Mainframe's history.  
Frisket the Dog was bored. He had been guarding his master's door all night and nothing had happened, until now. The guard dog spotted what appeared to be a white ball but smelled quite differently ...Cat! Wagging his stumpy tail he whined and barked.   
His master Matrix wearing nothing but a pair of boxers with little red hearts peered out sleepily. "What is it Boy? Oh cat, go get him boy!"  
Frisket raced off happily, leaving a sleepy Matrix alone. The dog finally cornered his prey and when he did he got a good look at the most beautiful cat he had ever seen. He launched at the cat yapping and this time playfully chased her.  
The next morning Hexadecimal flew off to her lair alone. Skuzzy sauntered back later with a smile on her face. The following cycles the cat was hardly around the lair. Hex just thought she was angry for being bathed and thought nothing of it. After all she had no jobs for the cat to do.  
In truth Skuzzy and Frisket were seeing each other. The pair frolicked at Lost Angles beach, rummaged through the data dump and romped through Floating-Point. All that time Hex suspected nothing until the bathtub incident.  
Hex had had a terrible cycle. Firstly she had a daemon of a time finding her cat, then she was late for her trip on the Saucy Mare. Hex had tried to be helpful but the Captain had no sense of humor and made her walk the plank. She and Skuzzy had to fly home through the web. Explaining to Dot was the worst. It took all her self-control not to blast her one. The virus decided to relax with a nice bubble bath.  
The virus was about to step in to a tub of soapy water when Skuzzy leapt in. The sight frightened Hex and as soon as she got dressed she teleported for help.  
Mouse and Ray were about to have a romantic evening alone when Hex popped in. She grapped the red haired woman before she could draw her sword.  
"Mouse, Ray you got to help me Skuzzy's gone random she never cleans herself and now she's bathing in my bathtub."  
Mouse roughly shoved the virus away, "Now you stop that! You should know   
better than to teleport in on people in the middle of the night cycle. Go away until you can knock!"  
And so the virus disappeared and Mouse and Ray were about to continue their evening together when they heard a knock at the door.   
"At least she's trying to fit in!" Ray laughed.  
"What why don't you bother your boyfriend Bob," said Mouse as she opened the   
door.  
"I don't want to take advantage of his goodwill. I really need your help you're the toughest healthy sprite I know," begged the virus.  
"The healthy sprite?" asked Ray.  
"Yes, AndraIa is in the infirmary. A wiener dog she was grooming chewed her up. You got to help me I've never seen her like this!"  
"What do you say," smirked Mouse.  
"I have money?" guessed the virus wildly.  
It was close enough. The trio teleported back in time to see Skuzzy brushing her teeth with one of Hexadecimal's toothbrushes.  
"Weird," whispered Ray. "Something's going on why don't you teleport her to the vet?"  
Upon hearing the mention of a vet Skuzzy sped off out of the lair. After the dust cleared Mouse asked about teleporting the cat into a cage.  
"Sorry, I can't do that. I have no idea where she is and Skuzzy's good at hiding" replied Hexadecimal.  
"Well I suggest you buy a new toothbrush" said Ray.  
" Don't need to, I have about a hundred" answered Hex.  
About half a minute later, Hexadecimal decided to search for her missing cat. The first place she visited was Dot's Diner, which was owned by her worst-processing enemy. She caused quite a stir as she placed a poster on the ad board.  
"Cecil I'll have the energy shake special if you please" she asked.  
The Maitre Dee smiled pleasantly, "Why certainly Madame have a seat beside   
Monsieur Matrix and I'll make a shake especially for you."  
Hex turned to the large green skinned sprite and tried to make small talk with him.   
Behind her back Cecil snickered as he added a null to the virus's shake.  
The private detective Matrix was hiring read aloud Hex's ad. "Lost one white long haired cat sprite. Answers to the name of Skuzzy. If found please return to Lost Angles, large reward. Hmm"  
"Don't even think about it!" warned Matrix.  
Hex spluttered as she took a sip of her shake, " Gahh a null. Cecil you beast!"  
The server merely laughed aloud "I merely served a meal fit for a virus. Go ahead you stupid twit do your worst. Ahm not afraid of slutty virus like you."  
" I cannot as you well know! So this will have to do!" With a wave of her hand   
Cecil found himself wearing a feathered pink bikini. The virus cackled wildly as she flew off in search of her pet.  
Hexadecimal searched high and low for her cat. Normally Hex merely had to be in the area to cause a panic but the antics she was doing made it that much worse. Over the course of a second: she helped deliver a zero binome baby and pulled up several turnips. In short anything involving an object vaguely spherical Hex dug, plucked or pulled out.  
She was finally stopped when she broke into a cell holding a notorious serial deleter named Hannibal. Ripping off his mask, she reached into his gullet and pulled out a missing binome mother of two.  
"Hello Clarece," grinned Hexadecimal wildly at the blond binome female.  
Then she heard the click of dozens of blasters aimed right at her. She turned   
around and saw a certain blue skinned sprite leading a posse of guards.  
Bob shouted, "Hex what is the meaning of this?"  
"My cat she's missing, so I decided to look for her. Please Bob she's all I have and I can't find her anywhere," said Hex shamefacedly.  
"Alright, stay right here. I'll go find her and when I get back we need to have a talk about teleporting in on people."  
"I have no problem with that!" chirped Clarece.  
When Bob had left one of the Guards foolishly prodded Hexadecimal with his gun. The virus merely raised one one eyebrow and bnet the barrel of his gun like it was a stick of licorice.  
Meanwhile at Floating Point Park Frisket woofed out to Skuzzy. Skuzzy at the other side of the park meowed back. They raced towards each other meowing and woofing as they ran. Then just as the lovers were about to meet Bob scooped up the wayward cat.  
"There you are, what a naughty cat you've been. Your mistress turned Mainframe upside down looking for you" scolded Bob as he flew off.  
The virus was so overjoyed that she almost knocked Bob down and kissed him over and over again " Oh Bob, Thank you so much 'smack' You're my knight in shining armor 'smack', 'smack"  
Before this story became PG 13 Bob stopped her gently "Hex you're in a lot of trouble. I want you to go home, come morning cycle report to the court house."  
When Hex left Bob trembled a little. The guards tried to comfort him.  
"Whoa that was disturbing," whispered Bob.  
"Yes getting kissed by a virus is scary" agreed one of the guards.  
Bob shook his head "No, no not that. It is the fact, oh sweet, user that I liked it."  
The next morning Hex flew into the courthouse,. When it was her turn she walked up to the podium. Phong presiding as judge glared down at her.  
"Hexadecimal, I have read your case and it is obvious to me that you are nothing   
but a savage and a force of chaos. You are not fit to live with civilized programs and I cannot see your behavior improving anytime soon. You are worthless, you are...oh yes, sentencing. You shall be taken to the cell right silly me Bob. As I was saying you must endeavor to improve your behavior and dress. So I am sending a volunteer social worker   
to you. Ah any volunteers Mouse you managed, Dot how about .. at last AndraIa you want to teach Hex manners?! Yes, Yes good thank you. Carry on"  
Hexadecimal turned to AndraIa " What happened to your nose?"  
Dre to her credit smiled sweetly " Broke it on the tub. Now let's start with your outfit it is way too... sexy. I'm thinking a more demure approach how about hot pants and a halter top"   
That kept things quiet for a few cycles until the affair ended anyway.  
The beginning of the end came at night. Skuzzy was perched on one of the few standing balconies at Lost Angles when Frisket barked a hello from below. Somehow the dog had put on a tie and he held a bouquet of daisy wheels in his teeth. Upon seeing him Skuzzy bobbed down and they both scurried off to AL's Diner at Level 31.  
There in the back alley was a table set out for them. They shared a meal as Al's waiter played a romantic tune on an accordion. They next morning both animals were spectacularly sick due to food poisoning and both owners took them to a Gunther's animal hospital.  
Matrix wasn't too happy sharing a room with Hexadecimal. He stared murderously at the virus while Hex practiced what the gamesprite taught her. None of the other clients looked too happy with the situation. Having either Hex or Matrix in a room was bad enough but both of them, especially with Matrix's hatred of viruses was far worse. You could cut the tension with a knife.  
"Don't tell how you feel. Put your feelings in a tight little ball repress, repress" said Hex rubbing her temples.  
Suddenly the virus heard a familiar voice "Jah once I free Frauline AndraIa from   
the python it'll be your turn mine Hexadecimal"  
The virus hissed dangerously as a black skinned binome with long spider like fingers appeared. "Herr Docktor you're Gunther?"  
He said sadly "Jah, now that your brother is gone nobody wants me to treat them. Veterinary work is all I could find. Now please let me look at Skuzzy, Frauline I am well aware of your powers, trust me"  
Then it all went to Dell.  
Matrix leapt up "Wait a nano! I should go first. My dog is more important than some viral slut's kitty"  
The viral slut threw back the hood of the cloak she was wearing. She hissed dangerously "What did you say?"  
A fireball appeared in her hand. The vet took this time to take Skuzzy's   
padlocked pet carrier away. Matrix had a target lock on Hex's forehead when the PI that Matrix hired to follow Frisket tapped him. He whispered something in the large sprite's ear and showed him some photos. The renegade's eyes widened.  
"Who is she?" demanded the hulking green sprite.  
For the first time in his life Frisket was afraid of his master. He trembled on the spot. By this time Skuzzy's examination was finished and the vet appeared with a white fur ball which Matrix recognized as Frisket's Mistress.  
"Frauline, congratulations Skuzzy's pregnant," said Gunther.  
Frisket ran out the building yelping. Skuzzy started to cry. She didn't stop crying throughout her pregnancy. She wept in her box only coming out to pick up the pickle pizzas she had ordered. She cried throughout her kittens birth and afterwards. Finally Hex had enough. Matrix was delivered papers and ordered to stand trial with his dog.  
Phong was the judge presiding. Neither side had a lawyer, Hexadecimal because she couldn't find one and Matrix because he felt he didn't need one.  
Hex being the plaintiff started first "Your Honor my cat was impregnated by Frisket. As a result he abandoned her and I've had to take extra care of her. I am giving Frisket's owner the vet's bill and the bill for all the pizzas Skuzzy ate. Furthermore I have witnesses and documentation of their affair."  
Now it was Matrix's turn " Your honor the idea that a cat and a dog could have offspring together is ludicrous. Do I deny that Frisket had an affair with Skuzzy no. That cat seduced my dog. She was asking for it, running about wearing nothing but a bow, bathing, walking about sexily. I bet she had plenty of lovers. After all look at her mistress look at how skanky she looks.  
Hex cleared her throat. She was wearing a dark green hooded robe over her   
armor.  
Matrix sucked in his breath " Never mind, anyway can she produce these so   
called kittens. Can she prove that the kittens are Frisket's"  
"Can I prove it ? Of course I can!" she said scornfully. The virus pulled down her hood revealing five pink kittens chewing on her helmet spikes. They were round like their mother but stubby little legs. The entire court tittered with laughter and once again Frisket ran away yelping.  
Matrix gaped at the babies "A cat and a dog how can this be?"  
"Well she's a sprite and he's a sprite that means their codes and 'ahem' parts are compatible," said Hex smugly.  
"Well we need to do a source code scan and confirm paternity," said Phong   
helpfully.  
Frisket it turned out was indeed the Father. Hexadecimal wanted to the dog to apologize to Skuzzy. Matrix wouldn't hear of it and still wouldn't pay for the pizzas claiming that Frisket was seduced. Finally a solution that nobody liked came up.  
It was a beautiful morning as AndraIa groomed Skuzzy for her wedding. As the green haired woman put on pink veil Skuzzy mewed in protest. The screen on her head showed a bride in white.  
AndraIa now looking like a mummy replied "Yes, but under the circumstances   
white isn't the appropriate colour."  
The music started and the cat rolled down the aisle followed by her mistress, AndraIa and her five unruly kittens. Everybody was in their best clothing formats except Hex and AndraIa. Frisket tugged desperately on his leash.  
The elderly sprite Phong acted as minister "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this cat and this dog in holy matrimony. Love is blind it - Frisket stop that! It does not care what- Matrix for once in your life control your dog. Oh well does anyone have any objections to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."  
Hexadecimal finally spoke up" I do! This is the most random and stupid thing I have ever seen and I've lived with nulls. It is a waste of time we could be holding an intervention for AndraIa or planning an attack on Daemon"  
"You think I need an intervention?" asked AndraIa softly.   
"Sorry dear but pet grooming is far too dangerous work for you," replied Hex.  
"The virus is right, I can't believe I just said that!" agreed Phong. " But still the wedding was your idea virus"  
"No it isn't!" she protested.  
"But doing something basic like this is your style," smirked Dot.  
"No it isn't" said Hex shaking in anger. " I have tried my best to fit in. I have played your stupid games but I have been insulted at every turn. I' m going home."  
And in a flash of light the virus and her pets teleported to home.   
The crowd looked about in confusion.   
Mouse looked to Bob " Is it my imagination or was Hex the only one acting sane this second, sugar?  
  
Fin 


End file.
